Peek-a-Boo.

Monday, October 31, 2005

I'm angry with myself..really so irritated with myself for making a big fuss over things. But, it wasn't that I did it on purpose just to agitate him or whatsoever..it's just that some of the things are really indescribable through words.

He came online yesterday..by right, I should be happy because it's been so long since he came online. Before I came before my PC, I already got an intuition that he's coming online and at that time..guess what? "with all I am"played by him was playing on my media player during that point of time. That feeling got stronger and then I came to look at my msn..which then I saw his online status. I know that he came online for a purpose.. should be to settle those school stuffs before school starts today. I didn't really expect a fast reply or maybe a good chat even though I would like to, but I am really bothered by many many problems.. And so the speed of reply ain't really matter at that point of time cuz' I knew that he'll be like this and I already prepared myself for that. However, before that, Jasmine, Alywin, Joseph came to chat with me over "relationship" stuffs and who knows about my fear and heavy heart? My mind ran wild for 1-2 days and then upon seeing him online, he did not do anything at all. He promised to be "zidong" and ended up, timetable wasn't sent and it has to be reminded by me to be sent over. And then few minutes later he said "can't copy and paste"(the timetable).. Well, isn't this just a matter of your effort? After so much problems, I had to copy down the starting time-ending time of each and every day(not knowing his break time, ain't break important as well? ain't we used to use break time to meet? what is this now?) cuz' he asked me to copy down as he couldn't send me..Sigh. I really felt I'm being understanding fair enough that I did not even grudge about every single stuff to add on his stress, not even mentioning about blogs before him. Is he really going to be "zi dong" like he said? I wondered.. Well, then when? =X

So far, he did not go into details to know my heart all these while.. He only read blogs and maybe that I told him alil bit through smses. He don't know me at all.. I feel that it ain't enough. I feel that I know him better than he knows me. Perhaps he feels that I'm still not understanding enough, still not knowing him as much as I thought.. but at least one thing for sure is..I'm always making an effort to know everything about him. Actually, many times, it's really whether you wanna take a further step to do something. Huiqing said that if reading blogs is like a big fuss to him, then there's nothing much I can do about it..I tried my best to do all I can to let him know me, yet he's not making an effort to read it. Maybe he feels that it's really inconvenient cuz' he's really busy.. I understand you see. But, if it was me, I would have printed everything out and read whenever I have a small break in between.. Yes, small small things like this, it makes a difference. And, I still hate to remind people to do things as such..cuz' it'll be as if I'm forcing that person to do things. Ain't it suppose to be out of own will? Ain't it suppose to be out of your heart? Then why are people thinking on behalf of you of what you should be doing?... sigh. Even when I'm feeling so much, I replied to his message just as pernormal(maybe just sounded alil down? I don't know..I already tried to not push him to talk about these things now.. I know he don't want to..cuz' he feels that it's not the time yet..and he's really stress up) He messaged me that even while he's doing project, he's still thinking of me just now. I love it and I simply feel so touched.. but how touched can I be? cuz' it's also some sort like "my idea" ? I told him what he could do ... what lil lil things he could do and it does counts..it does matter. How special can it be when it is so? I know that he's being tied down by so many work and committment, but it simply branches down to time management. I know that he's trying his best to date me out and whatsoever, but still ain't this kind of things "li suo dang ran" (very natural) ? Why is it as if that I'm putting a knife on his neck forcing him to do things in this manner? I hate this impression (though it may not be totally so) ... Sotong, you should know that I hate to be a control freak? So, can you just take time to think and plan things just as it should be? rather than I have to tell you every single thing? I don't mind once in a while.. cuz' certain things guys simply don't get it. But, I can't be always doing everything for you.. if not it's from me, not you anymore. My idea, my way, my instructions, my suggestion.. everything starts with "MY" ... and do you know that I hate to seem as though I'm so self-centered? I don't want ~ Sigh. I know that you're stressful enough.. but you know ? I'm easily contented so long small lil things you do are out of your heart.. I see your heart.. I feel your heart.. If lil lil things can satisfy me, I'll be secure just in no time. But, my insecurity is up and down..peaking at times` I just need alil more. I'm sorry if I've said so much which don't make sense to you. I hope it makes sense to you. I don't wanna irritate you, but if I have to keep it all in my heart, everything's not gonna be fine. I know that you may still not be able to see the entries.. but I did my job(not verbally cuz' you don't have time for it).. I did my job to list down everything I feel..and what's happening right now.. I really did my best to satisfy you. I am still trying to be a more understanding darling of yours. I am not perfect, but I'm already doing my best.

Alright, if I have anymore to blog, I'll blog. But, it seemed like this blog is so dead. You're not reading..so useless~ I'm gonna go for tuition-giving soon.

I miss you.. Sigh. Wonder when's the next time I see you.. =X

impish princess signed off`