Peek-a-Boo.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Really a sad day for me again.. I thought it will indeed be my best best day cuz' I am convinced that this is really a meant to be meet-up for us. It turned out to be so dreadful for me once again.. What I can say is I'm really devastated; heartbroken to the core.

After service, we went for fellowshipping as usual. Normally the fellowshipping won't last for that long especially this period of time whereby promo exams for the JC students are still carrying on. So, as usual, we slacked all the way throughout. There's nothing much I can do and I was just listening to them crapping and then drew many many nonsensical stuffs(mainly the audience is to be him).. As ST was having a bad headache, JH and her wanted to take a cab back home at approximately 4 sharp. They thought I was going home first before I'm going out, but ended up, I just slacked around lot 1 cuz' I don't want to travel all the way back to BP then I come down to meet him. From 4 plus up to 5 wasn't easy to kill time.. Finally at around 5.15 I recieved a SMS from him asking me that is it okay to be meet at Cityhall cuz' he's going out with guys instead of Steph. I am alright with the venue but I did not want to meet anybody that's all. So, I waited and waited for his reply..and then it was really really slow..By then it's already 5.30 pm I guess? And I decided that I should enter the MRT control Station at CCK and wait for his reply at the platform? It was really long long long and then I received a meassage.. "Tomorrow I'm free the whole day.. meet tomorrow?" Well, guess how I feel at that time? I just feel like a stupid and foolish dumb lady being tricked? being played? I can't help it. I'm really so sad that I'm really welling up tears, but I dare not let it roll cuz' many people are already putting their attention on me as I'm look so down? and also I've been slacking there for so long and didn't take any train? I stood near the very end of the platform and then it seemed that I'm too near to the yellow line or "no entry gate" until a MRT officer came towards my direction. To escape, I just walk away and then keep on focusing on my smsing.. It was 6 by then and I'm really so lost. I gave him a call and said don't meet since he don't want..I said I'm already in there and he's always like this. Then, I hung up. I really started to weep.. but then, I went to a place with not so much crowds.. He smsed me to say that he will go over now if I really go back to cityhall. I'm not at cityhall yet, but I'm now in the train. I hesitated and hesitated as I am really too heartbroken to meet him. Already I'm on my way there, yet I still seemed as though I refused. He really did broke my heart cuz' he's always doing all these kinda last minute stuffs when I'm all ready for him. He convinced me yesterday even when I don't wanna meet him. What is this now? When he convinced me and then he did this to me? I'm really sad. I reached Cityhall and decided to give him a chance if he really rush down within ten minutes to meet me. I was really so devastated when I see another sms saying that he can't meet me already cuz' they're already on the way at fort canning area?! 10 was up by then and I thought to myself that that's the end for today. He did all sorts of things to contradict what he said. If really I am that important, he would have rushed down without me having to remind me to.. If really I am that important, "leaving the guys down there" wouldn't be an excuse to be used.. If I were him, I will not do this. Or rather if he stands in my shoes, I'm sure he'll surely undergo the same kinda devastatement I've been through. =/ I told him that I'll wanna end all these.. the last thing I will ever do for him is to send all the things I have for him to his house mailbox. I'm doing and committing much more than he does... Really. What have he done? I'm really so upset by him. I took the train down to YCK and then I have a distance to walk to reach his place. Before I can even exit the control station, I realised that I couldn't exit. And so I went to the counter and this is what the person said "According to the system, you've been in since 5 plus..." So, I told him that I've been waiting for my friend. Thus, he said he's going to deduct 2 bucks away from my card before I can leave. Well, I can't imagine I stayed in there for that long until the time since then was 8 plus. I walked to his house, having to go pass so many dark dark roads and housing estates/church/school... I was really scare..I kept look around me. Finally, I reached that block and camped under the flat for a lil while to leave some notes before dropping it into the mailbox. I saw cats and dogs.. it's really my greatest fear.. I'm really freaking out under that block. After writing, I just dropped in my envelope and then I went off. I can't imagine I can do much for a guy.. But, it seems like I'm nothing to him. He's really breaking my heart; wounded me utterly. I'm too lost for anymore words.. but why why?? Why do you have to treat me like this? =X I'm so saddened by it. Why do you have to end it this way? Why do you have to make it so unhappy before your departure? I thought you're leaving on Monday 6am, but you said it was Tuesday 6am instead. Whether or not it is really so that I've read wrong or you've given me wrong information, it doesn't really matter anymore. It really don't. But, I want you to know that I've done my very best as your "partner". I did all I could..not just alil. Can you show me that you cherish it? Your actions really show nothing... even though your words do touched me. Stop making me feeling so terrible. This is the 2nd time you treated me like this.. Why do you want to bully me like this? Ain't I somebody you treasure and love? Sigh. I really can't control myself to cry... really so disappointed and upset in you. If you're think I'm angry with you, you're just too wrong. Right now, I just feel that something just knock me out so that I can't brood over it anymore.. I just hope that I can brainwash away everything... (T_T)

sign off`