Peek-a-Boo.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sigh. I thought we'll be happily ever after everytime we ended each war, but everytime is a disappointment without fail. If the next never comes, it'll perhaps be one"happily ever after" for me. I am going through all sorts of terrible feelings.. which nobody will probably understand any better than myself. I feel like weeping for the fragile soul of mine within is making me breaking down..

I am angry with myself for being so irritated about the stupid internet explorer... which also resulted in bad conversation between us. I thought that this will be a good excuse for us to have a good talk despite I'm so troubled by the faulty computer. I am so upset with myself for throwing tantrums.. but that's me. But, whether or not I am throwing tantrums, my heart will just go soft when I talk with him. The "tense" atmosphere which was created by him and me; especially his stern voice ain't what I want it to be. It's just so happen for us to talk about an unsolved topic which ain't very liked by him.. Of course I don't like too, but I looked beyond what's happening now. I want a total full stop to this matter. He don't see my point I guess... He thought that I wanted him to give in to this princess character of mine without fail.. This is the feeling he gave me. He made me feel like a control freak again. He knows that I don't like being one.. Why does he has to do all sorts of things to make me feel so insecure? He never liked to face problem as it comes.. why are you waiting for your perfect time? It won't come.. When will you know this fact? Until you've lost it is it? Do you really want to lose it and then you'll realise that things ain't gonna wait for you? I broke the ice, hoping that we can end the conversation nicely.. This is probably the last call before he's leaving for Thailand. Why don't you present the "cherish" surface infront of me.. ? Are you happy to leave in this state?-Not having any thing solved..full of worries.. Maybe, to you, you probably won't feel as bad as me ain't it? Like you said, I may not be as packed as you; causing me to have lots of time for frustrations and sadness. Well, if I ever can choose to be like you, I won't want it either. Why? I know that I am slowly dragging...and many things do changed as you drag. I know that there'll probably be alot more problems awaiting than what I had initially. Yes, I'll probably feel much much better.. Ain't this what you're going through now? So busy with your life until you have no other things for other areas of your life.. If given a choice, will you want to give me up to lessen a burden? You said you don't want me to leave you..but you appear to be one who don't really care as much as you seemed.. Contradicting ain't it? =(

I thought that Thursday will be a very free day for him. I thought that I will just break all the restrictions to give him a surprise on this day itself. But, it seemed that the schedule he mentioned in here and the one he smsed me yesterday are quite different? I have to call it off since it'll still be a busy day for him. Well, Thursday turned out to be day whereby I'll have to sit by my handphone to wait for SMS to clarify with me what ain't settled. However, until this hour, nothing is really solved. I waited for his SMS without fail, not rushing him for the whole day since I know he has got lots of programs today. But, until the moment he's home, there's still ain't any time for me. I ended the sms to call it off a day. I asked him to sms me after his mission trip... Will I ever regret? I guess I will. I always do things which I'll be very regretful. This time ain't an exception. My aimless waiting of the day...sigh..I just want my day to end off in a better manner. I prayed to God last night, asking him to bless my day today. Well, it really worked when I saw his SMS(not not in a nice manner though), I'm relieved that he was willing to spare some time to think of me & to sms me. I thought there's a turn for things to be improved.. Well, looking at the time and situation now, I know I ended my day in disappointment again. Dear Lord Father, can you end all these torture right now? I am drained...full of wounds in my heart. Can you send for healing right now? I don't want to weep every night...and then nightmare comes next. I had one last night.. It's really so terrible.. I want things to be so fine so good.. Can I? (T_T)

If I ever have the courage to end it, I hope I won't regret..and so do you.. =(

Signed off` (am I still your princess?) *sobs*