`aisya
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
Friday, December 23, 2005
It's been a day that we did not contact each other. Is it that I miss him too much which I start to get alil paranoid that he may be slightly irritated by what's going and too tired to care and leave it aside for time being(just like that time, he shut himself off for a few days?)? Or, he's just busy and will try to settle it as soon as possible whenever he has time? But, does he really not have any time at all? Sigh. He's in the wrong, but why am I scare that he's irritated and he hardly get irritated with me for I know? Am I afraid to lose him so so much? Even though I got a feeling that he won't leave me, I can't helping thinking for the worst.
He's shallow and don't think beyond words. These 8 months..I've been trying really hard to be very clear and specific in what I'm talking so that he'll get me. I'm tired, but it became a habit alil somehow. Nonetheless, once in a while, I still don't feel very right of me as my habit wasn't this for the past few years? I want to have a talk with him that he needs to start to think for himself and me from now on. He needs to think independently when he's dealing with emotional stuffs that's very related to me. I can't be forever there to coach him and he'll never learn anything about me truly. All he understands about me...is it really from his own thinking and observation? or is it from me that he got them all? However, before we can proceed to talking about this, our problem must be solved. The basic problem like he's unaware of how much he hurts me..needs to be solved right? So that we can carry on to how should start to understand me better via his own ability? It's been like "spoon fed" moments for him all these while. Everytime there's a problem, the answer doesn't seem to come from him alone, it's all out of my mouth where he got to know them all. Yes, he used to make me talk about our problem. But now, I feel I'm being put in a one man show. I initiated a talk and stuff. He used to missed call me more than ten times if he realised I was unhappy with him. He even tried calling my home if I don't wish to pick up still. Now? Sad to say.. as he promised to make me talk for the rest of my life.. it's all gone. All he knows is "sorry dear". Yes, I would like sincere apology. But, if an apology don't comes with explanations to make sense of why you're apologizing then it really defeats the purpose right? I don't wish to hear "sorry" alone. And I hate this word to come alone. If sorry can mend everything, then it's relaly amazing already? There won't be past hurts or even old problems arising. All I want is "no avoidance".. face the problem, admit your mistakes and tell me what you understand and what you don't understand. You have the right to know why am I unhappy with you for everybody don't deserve to be condemned for nothing. I don't like to condemn anybody. But, if you don't ask, you'll never get your doubt cleared. And, our problem will always remain as it is because I don't see where you're going and so do you. I just want people to make sense of themselves and the word "sorry". Isn't this a logical thing? You don't say sorry to people for nothing? You said this word obviously because you made somebody upset or something? So, you need to do something about it.. not just a word of sorry can take away your sin. Then why not you just say sorry to God whenever you sin and it will make up what you've done? God wanna see your heart that you truly repent. First, you confess your sin. And then you tell God you'll not do it again. And also, you tell God that you understand how sad he is when we sin against him. Tell him how much you know to show him you truly know and repent? I thought even without being said biblically..it's all common sensical thing? Sigh.
Seriously, I know this problem is alil complicated. Because it started out with just a "no more meeting". But afterall, it's just the most basic version of the whole situation. I bet he must be thinking I'm angry because he did not go out with me. I think he got to think deeper next time. This is what we're gonna talk about after this problem is settled. I am disappointed that he can't meet me. But I am really upset to see the reason being "mood so spoilt". He then said I am one who can brighten up his life, but if so, why can't I bring up his mood even if his mood is so spoilt out there? And, without me prompting, he just naturally told me that he got the intention whereby he'll be meeting me if his eyes were much better. He himself said it. But, after that he sweet talk alil and then seemed as though pleading me and said something like "allow me to go home and rest early". So, if "allow" this word is the biggest mistake, what other words will it be? Seriously, the differ in intentions is so clear. He said he will want to meet me "if" he can. But after that, it's just a direct "no more meeting" and just seeking my approval for a decision like this. So, ain't it really so hurting?I feel it is so so hurting when I saw that as it showed that his intention was made up to make me happy. What other reasons can I back up for him? I really hope I can. But, I simply cannot think of any. He don't explain for himself either after that.. which is why I made a decision that I won't accept his apology just like that anymore. Forever he'll be saying sorry to me and that's it.. hoping that it can be solved just through sweet talks and plain apology. Can I receive more than just this? I want him to apologise yet understand than him to apologise when he actually don't get it. What does he actually understand? I don't know. I need to know what he understood and learnt out of this matter? Shouldn't this be the way so that problem will not arise again? Yes, now it's on his part to think. I shall help him one last time? He deserves this one last chance of assistance I hope.. After this, hopefully he knows what to do and from then on, never forget to keep applying it?... =/
Dear, the best gift you can give me is your time. But, if you realise that I'm the least important in your list of many many important things, then I see that it's already a very bad signal. You know I never against you in doing anything you want and you should do, e.g church and guitar. But, I just hope that after them, it'll really be me? I thought it's natural for you to put me even before yourself. I really don't want to tire you out. You know by keep repeating about "giving up this and that can meh?" won't help. You know that this is a topic we argued about last time. So, haven't we solve it and you're managing pretty well now? Or, all these while..you're doing it for the sake of doing? If you're doing it for me as a chore, of course it's draining you out. But, what I thought was..you really did it sacrificially and willingly all for me. You really want to see me and you really try to arrange your time just because of this fire to see me. So, if it isn't the case.. you're still doing it like a chore.. you just tell me? So that you can cut it out from now on? I won't tire you out and then you start pleading me to give you time to rest? I hope that's not what you meant because what I saw in that message is this. It's really this. Will you want to give a clear explanation to it rather than just apologizing through out? If I were you that day, you know what I'll do? I'll still go. Afterall, I know that my dear will brighten up my day and mend my broken heart and spoilt mood. My eyes (this is just for me)... I don't mind. At most, one thing which makes me hesitate will be "i'm vain and i wanna let you see the nicest me all the time". So if there's one thing which hinders me from meeting you will be "I'm really too sick to make it" or "I'm too shy to let you see the ugly me". That is if I were you that day. Perhaps, because my reaction is so so different from yours, I can't help feeling insecure again. I feel you really don't meet me because lil things..and you don't seem to treat me so so important. And you know we can hardly meet, so will you wanna waste the time away? I thought that yearning to see me is enough. Because for me it'll really be so. Yearning to see you will already make no other personal reasons hindering me from meeting you other than very important activities. So, I really don't see why you don't meet me because your mood and partly your eyes. Sigh. I promise it's hurting to see your messages even if you don't remember how hurting it really were.I'm hurt by your "thinking" "intention" and every desire you have in you to meet me, but the message itself. Maybe words are deceiving..but it can't differ that much. I'm confused for everytime you say you love me and wanna see me.. is it real? Why is it that other factors can hinder you from seeing me so easily? ='(
We need a talk. But I doubt you'll ever take the initiative to have a good talk via a better way and not like this. If it is the past, you will probbaly call me cuz' you feel that words are so misleading and you simply show that you're worried and you want me to tell you with my mouth. Now, I think it isn't the case already. So, can I hope that everything can be solved in whatever ways you think you wanna stick with? Sigh. Sad to say this. But, I guess I really have no choice but to accept it..
signed off`
He's shallow and don't think beyond words. These 8 months..I've been trying really hard to be very clear and specific in what I'm talking so that he'll get me. I'm tired, but it became a habit alil somehow. Nonetheless, once in a while, I still don't feel very right of me as my habit wasn't this for the past few years? I want to have a talk with him that he needs to start to think for himself and me from now on. He needs to think independently when he's dealing with emotional stuffs that's very related to me. I can't be forever there to coach him and he'll never learn anything about me truly. All he understands about me...is it really from his own thinking and observation? or is it from me that he got them all? However, before we can proceed to talking about this, our problem must be solved. The basic problem like he's unaware of how much he hurts me..needs to be solved right? So that we can carry on to how should start to understand me better via his own ability? It's been like "spoon fed" moments for him all these while. Everytime there's a problem, the answer doesn't seem to come from him alone, it's all out of my mouth where he got to know them all. Yes, he used to make me talk about our problem. But now, I feel I'm being put in a one man show. I initiated a talk and stuff. He used to missed call me more than ten times if he realised I was unhappy with him. He even tried calling my home if I don't wish to pick up still. Now? Sad to say.. as he promised to make me talk for the rest of my life.. it's all gone. All he knows is "sorry dear". Yes, I would like sincere apology. But, if an apology don't comes with explanations to make sense of why you're apologizing then it really defeats the purpose right? I don't wish to hear "sorry" alone. And I hate this word to come alone. If sorry can mend everything, then it's relaly amazing already? There won't be past hurts or even old problems arising. All I want is "no avoidance".. face the problem, admit your mistakes and tell me what you understand and what you don't understand. You have the right to know why am I unhappy with you for everybody don't deserve to be condemned for nothing. I don't like to condemn anybody. But, if you don't ask, you'll never get your doubt cleared. And, our problem will always remain as it is because I don't see where you're going and so do you. I just want people to make sense of themselves and the word "sorry". Isn't this a logical thing? You don't say sorry to people for nothing? You said this word obviously because you made somebody upset or something? So, you need to do something about it.. not just a word of sorry can take away your sin. Then why not you just say sorry to God whenever you sin and it will make up what you've done? God wanna see your heart that you truly repent. First, you confess your sin. And then you tell God you'll not do it again. And also, you tell God that you understand how sad he is when we sin against him. Tell him how much you know to show him you truly know and repent? I thought even without being said biblically..it's all common sensical thing? Sigh.
Seriously, I know this problem is alil complicated. Because it started out with just a "no more meeting". But afterall, it's just the most basic version of the whole situation. I bet he must be thinking I'm angry because he did not go out with me. I think he got to think deeper next time. This is what we're gonna talk about after this problem is settled. I am disappointed that he can't meet me. But I am really upset to see the reason being "mood so spoilt". He then said I am one who can brighten up his life, but if so, why can't I bring up his mood even if his mood is so spoilt out there? And, without me prompting, he just naturally told me that he got the intention whereby he'll be meeting me if his eyes were much better. He himself said it. But, after that he sweet talk alil and then seemed as though pleading me and said something like "allow me to go home and rest early". So, if "allow" this word is the biggest mistake, what other words will it be? Seriously, the differ in intentions is so clear. He said he will want to meet me "if" he can. But after that, it's just a direct "no more meeting" and just seeking my approval for a decision like this. So, ain't it really so hurting?I feel it is so so hurting when I saw that as it showed that his intention was made up to make me happy. What other reasons can I back up for him? I really hope I can. But, I simply cannot think of any. He don't explain for himself either after that.. which is why I made a decision that I won't accept his apology just like that anymore. Forever he'll be saying sorry to me and that's it.. hoping that it can be solved just through sweet talks and plain apology. Can I receive more than just this? I want him to apologise yet understand than him to apologise when he actually don't get it. What does he actually understand? I don't know. I need to know what he understood and learnt out of this matter? Shouldn't this be the way so that problem will not arise again? Yes, now it's on his part to think. I shall help him one last time? He deserves this one last chance of assistance I hope.. After this, hopefully he knows what to do and from then on, never forget to keep applying it?... =/
Dear, the best gift you can give me is your time. But, if you realise that I'm the least important in your list of many many important things, then I see that it's already a very bad signal. You know I never against you in doing anything you want and you should do, e.g church and guitar. But, I just hope that after them, it'll really be me? I thought it's natural for you to put me even before yourself. I really don't want to tire you out. You know by keep repeating about "giving up this and that can meh?" won't help. You know that this is a topic we argued about last time. So, haven't we solve it and you're managing pretty well now? Or, all these while..you're doing it for the sake of doing? If you're doing it for me as a chore, of course it's draining you out. But, what I thought was..you really did it sacrificially and willingly all for me. You really want to see me and you really try to arrange your time just because of this fire to see me. So, if it isn't the case.. you're still doing it like a chore.. you just tell me? So that you can cut it out from now on? I won't tire you out and then you start pleading me to give you time to rest? I hope that's not what you meant because what I saw in that message is this. It's really this. Will you want to give a clear explanation to it rather than just apologizing through out? If I were you that day, you know what I'll do? I'll still go. Afterall, I know that my dear will brighten up my day and mend my broken heart and spoilt mood. My eyes (this is just for me)... I don't mind. At most, one thing which makes me hesitate will be "i'm vain and i wanna let you see the nicest me all the time". So if there's one thing which hinders me from meeting you will be "I'm really too sick to make it" or "I'm too shy to let you see the ugly me". That is if I were you that day. Perhaps, because my reaction is so so different from yours, I can't help feeling insecure again. I feel you really don't meet me because lil things..and you don't seem to treat me so so important. And you know we can hardly meet, so will you wanna waste the time away? I thought that yearning to see me is enough. Because for me it'll really be so. Yearning to see you will already make no other personal reasons hindering me from meeting you other than very important activities. So, I really don't see why you don't meet me because your mood and partly your eyes. Sigh. I promise it's hurting to see your messages even if you don't remember how hurting it really were.I'm hurt by your "thinking" "intention" and every desire you have in you to meet me, but the message itself. Maybe words are deceiving..but it can't differ that much. I'm confused for everytime you say you love me and wanna see me.. is it real? Why is it that other factors can hinder you from seeing me so easily? ='(
We need a talk. But I doubt you'll ever take the initiative to have a good talk via a better way and not like this. If it is the past, you will probbaly call me cuz' you feel that words are so misleading and you simply show that you're worried and you want me to tell you with my mouth. Now, I think it isn't the case already. So, can I hope that everything can be solved in whatever ways you think you wanna stick with? Sigh. Sad to say this. But, I guess I really have no choice but to accept it..
signed off`