`aisya
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Why am I having this "weird" feeling which I myself cannot give an explanation to it as well? Well, is it because I'm too used to the "couple language" until we can't have any "Godly language" already? This is obviously not what I want to see but why is my heart feeling alil uneasy when I received his message at around 12 plus am just now? I'm not waiting for any message, but of course I'm glad to see his message at this hour when he's at the camp site. He told me that God renewed and strengthened him. Am I not glad about this? Oh Gosh.. I've been waiting for him to be so close to God again ever since??.. ermmm.. I don't know as well. But, I know that I want him to be a Godly man again. Now that he's really a transformed self through God's power in the camp, why am I not happy to see the message?
All these while, I've been really fearful and worried to share any church stuffs with him (in some ways..he should also be cuz he used to tell me alot more things about him and his church even after I left brighton; now we can't deny it's getting lesser). I fear because "that time" when he got rather agitated and said something in comparison with my church. I don't think he remembers though. But, it really made me lose the courage to share as much already. Besides, I know that both of us yearn to be in the same church, especially for him that it'll be good if I can be back to brighton. So, the "indirect" pressure which comes out whenever we talked about church stuff further deteriorates the situation. And so, that's when our Godly talking about church and stuffs got lesser and lesser. Yes, we still talk about spiritual growth but it's mostly me who talks to him about his growth and that's it. Any exchange of church's experience ? I doubt so. We all feel alil stress somehow I guess? Now, what should I do? Already I am so troubled by church, but church is still somehow got to be with him. It's really a BIG problem for me. Who understands the fear and anxiety in my heart? I guess he barely knows. All he knows is his stress from church and studies. But, of course I really understand what he has been going through for the sake of us. It's just that I doubt he knows that I'm not facing any lesser stress than him. It's really so hard for me to cope with his stress and my own stress. Who knows? Sigh.
I think after blogging the above paragraph, I know what causes me to feel that way when he messaged me just now. I guess it's all because our "non-Godly language" after such a long period of time. And also, I fear for what's to come..as in what will happen after him being Godly once again... I'm weak in dealing with any changes that is got to do with him. I don't deny as well that after a long day, I don't yearn to hear just only about what happened to him in the camp(which I feel absolutely wrong with this kind of thinking). Perhaps, he could have added more concerning words which will make me feel better? I think I am asking for too much. After a long day of tiring activities, he took out his time to message him, especially about the great things which happened to him. And well for me? I'm making a big fuss over this. This is really so bad of me to do so. Sigh. But, I can't control my emotions. Forgodden sake, I just need some "renewal" brainwash as well. Dear has been so truthful and nice to me to tell me all his "happenings" for the day. But, what am I doing down here?.. ranting all the way.. =/
He just messaged me to tell me that he's bathing now and that we'll meet next tuesday for a movie or dinner... Ain't he so nice to plan in advance unlike the past? He changed so much for me. He kicked all the bad habits(even though not totally yet)...He's giving in his best for me. Well, should I do something about my "thinking" and "mindset" like he mentioned that time? It's so unfair to him. Sigh. Girls are just stupid species as well. I mean it's just so stupid for us to think and think and think and then create problems for ourselves? Am I right? Well, I think I won't say this if he really got me angry ? Hahs. I'm just making an ironic sentence lahs. Forget it. I shall have a good night rest and pray hard that every stupid mindset is gone. Cast away all problems in the name of Jesus! Yeah.. I should be hungry for God's words. Tomorrow sermon will surely speak to me yeah?! =)) I must go have some beauty sleep now. tatas!
I miss & love you dear. *Hugs*
__`[[ darling Jose signed off`
All these while, I've been really fearful and worried to share any church stuffs with him (in some ways..he should also be cuz he used to tell me alot more things about him and his church even after I left brighton; now we can't deny it's getting lesser). I fear because "that time" when he got rather agitated and said something in comparison with my church. I don't think he remembers though. But, it really made me lose the courage to share as much already. Besides, I know that both of us yearn to be in the same church, especially for him that it'll be good if I can be back to brighton. So, the "indirect" pressure which comes out whenever we talked about church stuff further deteriorates the situation. And so, that's when our Godly talking about church and stuffs got lesser and lesser. Yes, we still talk about spiritual growth but it's mostly me who talks to him about his growth and that's it. Any exchange of church's experience ? I doubt so. We all feel alil stress somehow I guess? Now, what should I do? Already I am so troubled by church, but church is still somehow got to be with him. It's really a BIG problem for me. Who understands the fear and anxiety in my heart? I guess he barely knows. All he knows is his stress from church and studies. But, of course I really understand what he has been going through for the sake of us. It's just that I doubt he knows that I'm not facing any lesser stress than him. It's really so hard for me to cope with his stress and my own stress. Who knows? Sigh.
I think after blogging the above paragraph, I know what causes me to feel that way when he messaged me just now. I guess it's all because our "non-Godly language" after such a long period of time. And also, I fear for what's to come..as in what will happen after him being Godly once again... I'm weak in dealing with any changes that is got to do with him. I don't deny as well that after a long day, I don't yearn to hear just only about what happened to him in the camp(which I feel absolutely wrong with this kind of thinking). Perhaps, he could have added more concerning words which will make me feel better? I think I am asking for too much. After a long day of tiring activities, he took out his time to message him, especially about the great things which happened to him. And well for me? I'm making a big fuss over this. This is really so bad of me to do so. Sigh. But, I can't control my emotions. Forgodden sake, I just need some "renewal" brainwash as well. Dear has been so truthful and nice to me to tell me all his "happenings" for the day. But, what am I doing down here?.. ranting all the way.. =/
He just messaged me to tell me that he's bathing now and that we'll meet next tuesday for a movie or dinner... Ain't he so nice to plan in advance unlike the past? He changed so much for me. He kicked all the bad habits(even though not totally yet)...He's giving in his best for me. Well, should I do something about my "thinking" and "mindset" like he mentioned that time? It's so unfair to him. Sigh. Girls are just stupid species as well. I mean it's just so stupid for us to think and think and think and then create problems for ourselves? Am I right? Well, I think I won't say this if he really got me angry ? Hahs. I'm just making an ironic sentence lahs. Forget it. I shall have a good night rest and pray hard that every stupid mindset is gone. Cast away all problems in the name of Jesus! Yeah.. I should be hungry for God's words. Tomorrow sermon will surely speak to me yeah?! =)) I must go have some beauty sleep now. tatas!
I miss & love you dear. *Hugs*
__`[[ darling Jose signed off`