`aisya
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Dear blog, I am weeping again.. but this time, it's been an hour..
Even though I expected it somehow, I just can't help feeling regretful for the decision made..
I am too lost to think or do anything now. I know I have many things to do today, but I doubt I'll be able to do them all. I lost all the motivations to do things all at this moment. I've never felt this level of down-ness until I don't want to go to church anymore. I always wanted our spiritual growth to be on path with one another and that is really my motivation. I love God and that should be my motivation as well, but this time...sigh... Who knows my story behind leaving brighton that time? not even he knows.. After leaving brighton, the feeling of going church is just different. All the people are nice and encouraging, but I still lack something which cannot be explained. So, my only motivation comes from our future. My spiritual growth did not deteriorate at all since I left church. All I need improvement is my mentality for the church life I've been put into. The motivation from him and our future really makes my church life improve and it's getting alil back on the track. But, now I lost it all again ebfore it can be stable. Bcuz' my motivation is gone, I really don't have heart for anything.. God is my motivator, but this time I really can't afford to lose my the other hand as well. God is my right and he's my left hand. Losing either is a misery to me. I need either of them to balance my current life..
I can't accept him as my friend for I know he isn't. I can't contact him like normal friend so I asked that we shouldn't even contact. Blame me for this immature act, but I just can't do it. My heart is breaking into pieces.. I don't want it to continue. However hard it is to forget him, I'll try to do it as soon as possible.. Maybe we're not meant to be for we met each other too early. If given one more chance, I don't want to know him. I really don't want this hard rock in my life. He can take it much more lightly than I do, why can't I? Why can't I treat everything as pernormal? I don't wanna trust that he'll continue loving me because I'm afraid that one day if he don't, I'll be so upset and breakdown.. My trust for him haven't reach that level and we ended.. Can we build it so firm so strong before we have to end this? I really don't want to make a choice to forget him, but I know I will..to protect myself. Maybe few years down the road, I see a girl holding on to his hands, like we used to be, and if only I can bless them with my heart..that's what I'll do. But, what if I still can't? I'm utterly too sad to express my heart inside out.. All I can say is it really resembles needles piercing through my heart. God, heal my heart.. give me peace.. Can I ask for You to create a turn for this situation? Can we have what we're yearning for yet at the same time be obedient to your commandments? You are an amazing God.. I really wish for a miracle.
I've been through the 2 months of separation with him, but why am I feeling so sad still? I just feel extremely not right this time..I just feel it's really game-over. I just feel he don't hurt as much as I do for this time.. perhaps he don't love me as much anymore. If I have faith in him, I probably will feel better. But, I really can't because the things which happened these few days really made me think it may be all excuses to shirk responsibility.. Does he really care? Or it's really guilt playing on him? Conscience? He started asking me about conscience and everything ended up this way.. It wasn't what we have been talking about all along. I just feel weird ending it this way.. If I fall, I know that the gap between us will be even wider. But, I just feel that I'll turn away from church for some time for the very first time other than my secondary school life. I told myself that I will never backslide, but this time.. I can't guarantee. I need a rest. I need to have an environment which gives me peace.
sobs. T_T
signed off`
Even though I expected it somehow, I just can't help feeling regretful for the decision made..
I am too lost to think or do anything now. I know I have many things to do today, but I doubt I'll be able to do them all. I lost all the motivations to do things all at this moment. I've never felt this level of down-ness until I don't want to go to church anymore. I always wanted our spiritual growth to be on path with one another and that is really my motivation. I love God and that should be my motivation as well, but this time...sigh... Who knows my story behind leaving brighton that time? not even he knows.. After leaving brighton, the feeling of going church is just different. All the people are nice and encouraging, but I still lack something which cannot be explained. So, my only motivation comes from our future. My spiritual growth did not deteriorate at all since I left church. All I need improvement is my mentality for the church life I've been put into. The motivation from him and our future really makes my church life improve and it's getting alil back on the track. But, now I lost it all again ebfore it can be stable. Bcuz' my motivation is gone, I really don't have heart for anything.. God is my motivator, but this time I really can't afford to lose my the other hand as well. God is my right and he's my left hand. Losing either is a misery to me. I need either of them to balance my current life..
I can't accept him as my friend for I know he isn't. I can't contact him like normal friend so I asked that we shouldn't even contact. Blame me for this immature act, but I just can't do it. My heart is breaking into pieces.. I don't want it to continue. However hard it is to forget him, I'll try to do it as soon as possible.. Maybe we're not meant to be for we met each other too early. If given one more chance, I don't want to know him. I really don't want this hard rock in my life. He can take it much more lightly than I do, why can't I? Why can't I treat everything as pernormal? I don't wanna trust that he'll continue loving me because I'm afraid that one day if he don't, I'll be so upset and breakdown.. My trust for him haven't reach that level and we ended.. Can we build it so firm so strong before we have to end this? I really don't want to make a choice to forget him, but I know I will..to protect myself. Maybe few years down the road, I see a girl holding on to his hands, like we used to be, and if only I can bless them with my heart..that's what I'll do. But, what if I still can't? I'm utterly too sad to express my heart inside out.. All I can say is it really resembles needles piercing through my heart. God, heal my heart.. give me peace.. Can I ask for You to create a turn for this situation? Can we have what we're yearning for yet at the same time be obedient to your commandments? You are an amazing God.. I really wish for a miracle.
I've been through the 2 months of separation with him, but why am I feeling so sad still? I just feel extremely not right this time..I just feel it's really game-over. I just feel he don't hurt as much as I do for this time.. perhaps he don't love me as much anymore. If I have faith in him, I probably will feel better. But, I really can't because the things which happened these few days really made me think it may be all excuses to shirk responsibility.. Does he really care? Or it's really guilt playing on him? Conscience? He started asking me about conscience and everything ended up this way.. It wasn't what we have been talking about all along. I just feel weird ending it this way.. If I fall, I know that the gap between us will be even wider. But, I just feel that I'll turn away from church for some time for the very first time other than my secondary school life. I told myself that I will never backslide, but this time.. I can't guarantee. I need a rest. I need to have an environment which gives me peace.
sobs. T_T
signed off`