I have peace in my heart. Yeps..I think God is really working in me. Despite all the problems that came, I can still be so calm so cool. I questioned God yesterday "trial again? I thought that it'll be better if we have a -rest/pause- to enjoy a period of stable sweetness before the next battle is here for us to fight. In this case, our strength are renewed. Won't it work better this way God?"

Well, God didn't give me a direct answer. But, in time to come, I know I'll receive His answer. God can be slow, He'll never be late. He gives me peace every time I'm faced with a problem. Although I can be moody, at least I am not extremely down like I used to. God heard my cryout to Him every night perhaps. He's a faithful God indeed.

My character is this. I enjoy my life via roaming around the places; I'm not a very homely person. I enjoy my life with my friends and buddies. I love night life especially. However, due to some restrictions after knowing him, it's been cut down. He can't have night life and I understand very much how come and why. When it comes to church and studies, I've been sensitive enough for him. Nonetheless, sacrificing some of such "good life" away often creates emptiness in me. How much do you know huhs? My thoughts run wild every night to enjoy life; the kind of life I want, yes with my friends but also especially with you. My compromisation has been consistent but once in a while I'd like to have the kind of life I prefer/want. I don't really care very much about occassions, but it'll still be days which can impact me in one way or another. When people are out there to enjoy, is it not natural for my mind to run wild once again? So, I still want very meaningful days for any occassions out there..with you? My emptiness comes in here if you don't know. I don't mind compromising consistently for you during every date, but once in a while..why do you even seem to ban the privilege of "once in a while"? If you want, you can simply take girls as "childish creatures" who want to be pampered through lovely surprises all the time. I don't deny we can be "childish" at times. But, if wanting to spend a joyful life out there with love ones during big days especially is a childish act, ain't spending romantic times together also one of the childish act too? To you, it may not be important unless you're done with your stuffs. To man, it is so because of all the big wild ambitious thoughts. To woman, we rather take time off at times just to spend a special day with our love ones. This year, I totally understand as your studies & church totally clashed with all these occassions. I never ask for more than you can give. Did I ask you out? Nope. I didn't. But, you probably misunderstand my meaning AGAIN through smses. My sms is asking you if you will take time off to spend such days with me in future when your things don't clash directly with these occassions?! You said you don't like night life because you're easily tired at night. But, compared to my consistent compromisation to suit you during every date, will you not take time off once in a while to really spend it with me during "occassion" which seems significant to me but not to you? My another question in the sms is "Do you like it in the first place?" I rephrased it to make it clearer(and you said short is good, now I don't think it really works well for all short sentences you see..you just don't get it?!) Rephrased: "Do you like to spend days like these with me whenever you can? whenever nothing clash?" If you don't like and you won't wanna try satisfying me, it's a very big problem. In the very first place, when the kind of life you like and the kind of life I like are very different, it's already a big problem. Somebody once said "I don't believe in something called -incompability- as it's whether you wanna make a choice to suit each other in one way or another." Well, I don't get it that time but it makes very much sense to me right now. If you ain't willing right now, it's hard for us to continue. The differ in your life and my life..can't come to meet a point of compromisation. And I see our ending like.. Elaine & Abel. Believe it or not, it is just this serious. Changing a kind of lifestyle is never easy, or I see it as redundant because that's just you. Just like I don't really like guitar and I forbid you to play and I asked you too stop playing as from now.. It's just impossible isn't it? Yes, in this case, I can dislike guitar. But I can choose to accept it and go along with the flow by keep reminding you to have time management? Some time for me and some time for yourself with guitar. This is lil lil compromisation in our current life isn't it? By the way, I don't dislike guitar. I only started alil of my "dislike" when you keep spending time with it than with me. I'm just citing an example of how compromisation can take place. So, by skipping this topic away makes me really irritated huhs? Maybe it's because your brain did not function well late at night. But, it's alil too off! I can't help getting angry about it as I did spend time typing what I feel to you and you promised to reply later on during your break. But, if you can remember, your next message ain't very pleasing to me huhs.. Well, I don't feel like replying now already. Lets see how. I guess you have your own thinking and I have mine. I already tried letting you know how I feel.. that's all I'm gonna do.

Alright. lets end this off` By the way, I'm really shock to see Junjie's entry. He said "F*** him" cuz he made me angry on the first day of new year. Hymph` I don't know how to react. I don't know how will "he" react as well. Ermmm... what shall I do between these two men now? I don't know. Forget it.

signed off` (continue reading..)

..Entry on 3 Jan 2006..

My day is fine. Too fine I guess? Well, I went for hair highlighting before school starts and especially before new year comes.. & I just found out that tomorrow still haven't start lesson!! It's been delayed by 2 days already & this means that school will officially start on thursday for FMS students..which also means that I only have to study 2 days? Oh well, I hope this week will be a better week..

It's been two days that I haven't sms him if I haven't done so yesterday. I think I'm rather numbed huhs. This is probably the first time I'm so numbed towards such a bad situation. Somebody said it's because I'm assured and so I have nothing much to worry about. Well, I think I wasn't that "secure" huhs.. to put it more appropriately, I think I'm too tired and strengthless to care & in other words; I'm numbed. I will say it'll be better off if I can still feel the sorrow in my heart. Once I'm so numbed, my heart turns cold towards everything; nothing can ever change the decision I've made. I didn't expect I was so important that I can affect him so much while he's studying; this thought has never strike past my mind, not even once. Until the moment I received the message with plentiful "hurt" this word, I still feel nothing much. How heartless can I be?~ Well, if not for Rebecca's suggestion to ask me to message him immediately, I wouldn't have done so. She said I'll affect his exams greatly and by then I'll be very guilty. After this, something came across my mind. "I want him to be in Singapore after NS. This exam is very important to him." Despite feeling so cold in my heart, when I thought of that..I don't deny..my heart melts alil. But, because my heart is too "frozen" at the moment, I don't miss him as much.. I don't think of him so much.. and I don't even bother about our problem so much.. Nonetheless, Rebecca said God will fill my heart again. God can fill me up with His warmth, but God's warmth and "his" warmth are different. God's warmth is a spiritual warmth and I do feel peace all these while from God. "his" warmth? I don't even know the feeling of being loved so much anymore; I forgot the feeling. I only know the feeling of showering love..drained and tired..for I have no motivation to continue loving crazily like before.

I must had hurt him alot when I messaged him all those things while he was studying last night. Or maybe..I'm thinking this on my own accord.. he may not be that distracted afterall. All these started out because of a problem which can't seem to meet a compromisation and before we can sort it out, it's a one man show again. Tiring huhs? I think I've been through so many one man show.. as though the other partner vanish into the thin air, leaving problem unsettled. Why can't people settle problem immediately? There can be so many reasons out there to hinder you from solving it, but if something is so important until it'll cause a distraction if it's unsettled, will you really leave it aside and settle it some time later when the time is convenient for you? Perhaps. There are so many other important things in life. "time management" is the keyword still. Sigh. Or perhaps, until certain thing has to vanish in life then you'll realise the importance of it. Human nature..but sometimes it's too late. Certain things don't give a 2nd chance. Just like for this case..forgodden sake..if I did not message him to assure him that I'll wait for him until his exam is over.. it'll likely be something worst than expected. God saved us from this crisis? I think so. Nothing seems to be able to break us up easily.. Oh well, you never know. Maybe trying that again will allow you to know whether we can really "end" so easily.

Same still, if after the chat(on wed's night I supposed), there's still no space for any compromisation, everything will still have to end. I am not stubborn in this case, I feel I gave valid reasons for what I want and I am also in the midst of compromisation. All I want is so simple.. yet why do I have to be banned from such a privilege from my..whatever you wanna call it. Lover? Sweetheart? Nothing seems to fit in. I chose not to believe that a lover/sweetheart is "like this". If a young man can get so ambitious in his work until nothing else can be so important or significant to him with his love ones, no doubt that ten years down the road..I see only a broken family; A broken family for there's man who is always slogging just to provide for his family members but spend no time together with them on any special occassion. Work can never be finished. Manage your time! =X The best gift to give somebody especially your love ones is your TIME. This year, I did nothing to ask him out because I know he's not ready for everything clashed. Next year? Next next year? Next next next year? I thought the best answer would be "I'll make out some time on special days like this in future.." Can I for the least hear something like "I'll try to.." This year..this is something new to you and I understand. Thus, I never ask more than you can give as well. The problem only arises when you did not assure me for the following few years and you skipped this topic away. Perhaps, after saying so much, you still feel "I don't like..and I just don't like.." Oh well, I've nothing to comment for this. I leave every self-reflection to you. You wanna make "incompatibility" this word happens in our relationship? I don't. You know I don't from the very start of these two entries. Alright, that's all I have to say.

signed off` (you can stop reading if you want..you've read the 2 entries I wanna deliver to you..the rest..up to you on your free time..)

8:28 PM •