`aisya
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
Sunday, April 09, 2006
All these days, I've been pushing myself to be happy, to be contented, to try to work things out like the past, to be myself, to be joyful in the midst of suffering, but I realised I failed.. failed badly. Out of nowhere, I feel the emptiness in me again. No one can ever understand what I'm going through, even him. I guess only God knows, but relying on God totally without pillars around me made me feel totally defeated. Besides, I recalled something which I thought I've long ago let go again..
I've a bad omen right after the fellowship at town today. Von seems to be in a bad mood which I somehow know why and somehow don't.. But, as she was playing around with the moodswing thingy, I already felt something not so right in my heart. Xiuhui called me after that and we chatted for alil while.. We're alil out of topic for sometime and this was when the bad feeling got even stronger.
What I was reminded was Brighton's stuff again. No one except one person & God knew up till today. How much do the people around me know about my passion for music? How much do they know me seriously? I think not even him.. All that people know about me generally is that I'm someone who loves to sing and that's it. OR perhaps, I don't even look like someone who loves to sing. Do I look like someone who enjoy playing music instruments like piano, keyboard, saxophone and etc? No, in people's eyes.. I doubt so. Yes, obviously I don't show it out and that's why people don't know. But, no one ever knows why am I like that as well.
Musicians show their passion for music via their instruments and achievements. Before they can be one, obviously someone show them the way, lead them guide them and nurture them. I feel I'm just like a lost sheep in the bewilderment. Ever since I was so lost after that experience, I just show less and less of my passion despite how passionate I am for music. In his eyes, I may not have understood his passion much enough. But, I think I understand it deeper than anybody else because mine is a stacked up hidden passion which has been bottling up all these while. Since young, I'm already craving for a piano and to be able to play piano or keyboard. Because of limitations, I really had to give up for time being. And since young, I don't say I have a good voice, but I know my potential is there. Then, I was given a chance out of nowhere. But, suddenly because of the so-called "disorganised system"..everything was left aside in the midst of nurturing me. How left out at that moment ? Nobody knows. How awkward I felt at that time? Nobody knows. They said "God will show you the way when it's time" but.. I was rather discouraged because everything was done and was undone. I am just out of place and couldn't fit into the group like the other 2. We were of the same batch, but I was the extreme. What more? My guy, at that time, was having problem with his team, and I had to listen him out.. yet.. he did not know that I was troubling with the same team problems but of a different situation. I don't deny, it's cuz' I didn't say and that's why he don't know.. But, what's the point of saying anyway? I couldn't phrase out what I really felt and what was really going on during that period of time... All I can say is.. I was discouraged and was very lost. I was given hope that seemed was meant to be shattered. God showed the way but it wasn't really a way. Everyone moved on.. but not me. Ego? I don't think so. I just felt so demoralised that perhaps I am really not good enough.. or perhaps I don't understand why and I just felt out of place. Dear guy, what's my 'out of place' compared to yours? sighs. You'll never know until you experience it.
What else caused my departure? The Relationship pressure which caused me to be able to barely breathe. I just need to grow at my pace without pressures. I need the right environment to grow and walk right with God. I need motivations not discouragement. I just couldn't stand it anymore and so, I prayed to God and He showed me the way. Whether or not this will be my last church, at least I'm growing.. and not stagnant.. at least I won't forsake God and will slowly have a vision from Him again. Man without vision shall perish, how true..
So, I'm just being reminded of this big heavy stone in my heart again.. my passion..my music.. I haven't been seeking very much in my life. I keep leaving it to God and let Him work things out at His timing. But time and again, I just felt so discouraged because the people around me had already gone far way above me..the people around me thought I was just a normal music-craze without visions. But, my vision..my dream..my longing.. who knows? All I can do is to see people moving on.. & also, all they can do is to boast about their music and stuffs.. or seeking help from me about music.. or being so prideful of music over God.. or judging me as somebody who doesn't appreciate music so much so much. Well, I can tell these people "I don't need to serve God in music area if that's not where God wants me to focus." Perhaps, that's the reason why I've been procrastinating about my music life all these while.. Perhaps..this is why I hardly talk about music.. But forgodden sake, I'm still make of flesh and blood, I still feel something when I left aside something which has always been my love. I just have this burden in my heart which is unfulfilled. No one knows.. and they just passed judgement upon me..silently..subconsciously..unknowingly.. Even him, I'm sure he never knew about the existence about this problem of mine till today.. To him, I'm just a normal music listener. He never knew this was it, I am always just his worship team's problems listener and his guitar listener. And many times.. because of his passion, everything and everyone seem so small so small.. I just feel like breaking down after so much. ='(
Enough of all these, I just knew something bad would befall. Look at Tuesday, if that day will be totally ours..I guess that will only be a dream. Despite the passion, if he really do miss me so hard that he only plans to spend the day with me, he don't even have to care about Aaron's thingy at all. I mean.. there're more days in future to practise with him or to learn from him, well.. what about us? I guess we'll meet once in a while.. and this is it? If you have the heart, Aaron's wouldn't have to be in the schedule for that week, what's the big deal of missing it once for that week?, unless you really have got something important to settle with him before the worship on Sunday. I don't wish to question which is which.. I'll just leave things as it is.. Some doubts are better left unsaid..cuz' there's no point saying sometimes. Your action proves your heart and this is the first hand information which will show everything clearly.
sighs. signed off`
I've a bad omen right after the fellowship at town today. Von seems to be in a bad mood which I somehow know why and somehow don't.. But, as she was playing around with the moodswing thingy, I already felt something not so right in my heart. Xiuhui called me after that and we chatted for alil while.. We're alil out of topic for sometime and this was when the bad feeling got even stronger.
What I was reminded was Brighton's stuff again. No one except one person & God knew up till today. How much do the people around me know about my passion for music? How much do they know me seriously? I think not even him.. All that people know about me generally is that I'm someone who loves to sing and that's it. OR perhaps, I don't even look like someone who loves to sing. Do I look like someone who enjoy playing music instruments like piano, keyboard, saxophone and etc? No, in people's eyes.. I doubt so. Yes, obviously I don't show it out and that's why people don't know. But, no one ever knows why am I like that as well.
Musicians show their passion for music via their instruments and achievements. Before they can be one, obviously someone show them the way, lead them guide them and nurture them. I feel I'm just like a lost sheep in the bewilderment. Ever since I was so lost after that experience, I just show less and less of my passion despite how passionate I am for music. In his eyes, I may not have understood his passion much enough. But, I think I understand it deeper than anybody else because mine is a stacked up hidden passion which has been bottling up all these while. Since young, I'm already craving for a piano and to be able to play piano or keyboard. Because of limitations, I really had to give up for time being. And since young, I don't say I have a good voice, but I know my potential is there. Then, I was given a chance out of nowhere. But, suddenly because of the so-called "disorganised system"..everything was left aside in the midst of nurturing me. How left out at that moment ? Nobody knows. How awkward I felt at that time? Nobody knows. They said "God will show you the way when it's time" but.. I was rather discouraged because everything was done and was undone. I am just out of place and couldn't fit into the group like the other 2. We were of the same batch, but I was the extreme. What more? My guy, at that time, was having problem with his team, and I had to listen him out.. yet.. he did not know that I was troubling with the same team problems but of a different situation. I don't deny, it's cuz' I didn't say and that's why he don't know.. But, what's the point of saying anyway? I couldn't phrase out what I really felt and what was really going on during that period of time... All I can say is.. I was discouraged and was very lost. I was given hope that seemed was meant to be shattered. God showed the way but it wasn't really a way. Everyone moved on.. but not me. Ego? I don't think so. I just felt so demoralised that perhaps I am really not good enough.. or perhaps I don't understand why and I just felt out of place. Dear guy, what's my 'out of place' compared to yours? sighs. You'll never know until you experience it.
What else caused my departure? The Relationship pressure which caused me to be able to barely breathe. I just need to grow at my pace without pressures. I need the right environment to grow and walk right with God. I need motivations not discouragement. I just couldn't stand it anymore and so, I prayed to God and He showed me the way. Whether or not this will be my last church, at least I'm growing.. and not stagnant.. at least I won't forsake God and will slowly have a vision from Him again. Man without vision shall perish, how true..
So, I'm just being reminded of this big heavy stone in my heart again.. my passion..my music.. I haven't been seeking very much in my life. I keep leaving it to God and let Him work things out at His timing. But time and again, I just felt so discouraged because the people around me had already gone far way above me..the people around me thought I was just a normal music-craze without visions. But, my vision..my dream..my longing.. who knows? All I can do is to see people moving on.. & also, all they can do is to boast about their music and stuffs.. or seeking help from me about music.. or being so prideful of music over God.. or judging me as somebody who doesn't appreciate music so much so much. Well, I can tell these people "I don't need to serve God in music area if that's not where God wants me to focus." Perhaps, that's the reason why I've been procrastinating about my music life all these while.. Perhaps..this is why I hardly talk about music.. But forgodden sake, I'm still make of flesh and blood, I still feel something when I left aside something which has always been my love. I just have this burden in my heart which is unfulfilled. No one knows.. and they just passed judgement upon me..silently..subconsciously..unknowingly.. Even him, I'm sure he never knew about the existence about this problem of mine till today.. To him, I'm just a normal music listener. He never knew this was it, I am always just his worship team's problems listener and his guitar listener. And many times.. because of his passion, everything and everyone seem so small so small.. I just feel like breaking down after so much. ='(
Enough of all these, I just knew something bad would befall. Look at Tuesday, if that day will be totally ours..I guess that will only be a dream. Despite the passion, if he really do miss me so hard that he only plans to spend the day with me, he don't even have to care about Aaron's thingy at all. I mean.. there're more days in future to practise with him or to learn from him, well.. what about us? I guess we'll meet once in a while.. and this is it? If you have the heart, Aaron's wouldn't have to be in the schedule for that week, what's the big deal of missing it once for that week?, unless you really have got something important to settle with him before the worship on Sunday. I don't wish to question which is which.. I'll just leave things as it is.. Some doubts are better left unsaid..cuz' there's no point saying sometimes. Your action proves your heart and this is the first hand information which will show everything clearly.
sighs. signed off`