`aisya
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
`anthony
`brenna
`chiasin
`daniel tan
`filly
`freddie
`gloria
`hubert
`huiqing
`ivan
`jieying
`joanne lee
`jowell
`joyce see
`junjie
`kangsheng
`kezia
`kwangwei
`lianhong
`leepeng
`marcus
`maureen
`pamela
`reeve
`ruikun
`sharon
`sherlyn
`thena
`wee cheong
`weimin
`xinyi
`xinyue
`yichang
Saturday, September 23, 2006
i feel my eyes so heavy.. it's like forcing me to close my eyes but i just don't feel like sleeping somehow. i slept less than 3 hours last night cuz' i came back home late. however, i must i really enjoy myself yesterday. i don't mind spending late nights outside seriously. i just love nightlife so much, the atmosphere is just so great. my eyes will be wide open even when it's in the middle of the night.
yesterday.. it was a good date. i won't say it's perfect cuz' i feel somehow some things are still lacking. but, sweetness don't last lah.. i feel so grumpy after looking at his response and when i reflect back on how much he really cares/yearns. i had a discussion with qing today about what has happened so far, but in conclusion..it's still something rather negative that we've come to conclude. i mean.. i just feel not enough. always not enough.
guess what. you may be surprised..but i really do have passing thoughts like 'maybe i'll leave him someday" "we probably won't last in his days of NS" "he don't really love me but he thought he does" and etc. the most shocking thought among all is "maybe i'll leave him some day..maybe". actually i feel that what i ever needed is just so simple. in fact, i'm so confident that most of the guys will be able to make me feel so secure so easily. seriously, it's not that he ain't good enough..maybe he just don't know how to love somebody cuz' he don't really know what's love? i still remembered.. some time ago, i questioned him about love, he told me that he don't know what it is yet, and i was really hurt that time. but after on.. as we proceed more smoothly, i questioned him once again, "do you know now?", and he said "i know already". but, sometimes, he still gives me that feeling that he don't really know. or maybe.. i'm not his love in the first place. no matter what, i always believe that love is something that cannot be nurtured. it's original, natural, sophisticated and forever real. how could it be love when i don't even feel real 3/5 of the time? how can i remind myself that it's real.. when love is something that is so natural? sighs.
well, how did i become so moody once again? i feel i'm selfish and considerate at the same time, that's what i told qing. i'm selfish cuz' i feel that i wanted more time than anybody else. on the other hand, i feel i'm considerate cuz' i'm always thinking for his parents. i mean.. i shouldn't let them feel that i'm snatching their son away from them. but.. if in the first place, i feel the yearning that he really wanna see me, he would really know how to prioritise according to the importance wisely. i mean.. if the heart says that he wanna see me.. why didn't he even get anxious that he can have this "limited" time "finally" to meet me? i don't feel anxiety. always..he's gonna bring me to something of thee future.. like "how about next week?" "i'll plan again". why can't he act outta impulse for me .. once in a while? i thought it's always nice to be irrational at times..cuz' i'll getta see most real side of him. the most desperate moment that he is really missing me so crazily..loving me never-endingly. i never had this feeling of 'never-ending' before. it's always 'i know he loves me..yes..this moment".. key word: this moment. how short..and it flies away the next moment. sighs. we're seriously at danger zone if he don't realise. the happy times don't over-shadow the unhappy times. it's battling. RED zone. get it?
it's always nice if i can see more natural, more original, more desperate side of you..when it comes to matter regarding me. i really wish. if wishes are meant to be left as it is..where do all the fairytales come from?
sign off`
yesterday.. it was a good date. i won't say it's perfect cuz' i feel somehow some things are still lacking. but, sweetness don't last lah.. i feel so grumpy after looking at his response and when i reflect back on how much he really cares/yearns. i had a discussion with qing today about what has happened so far, but in conclusion..it's still something rather negative that we've come to conclude. i mean.. i just feel not enough. always not enough.
guess what. you may be surprised..but i really do have passing thoughts like 'maybe i'll leave him someday" "we probably won't last in his days of NS" "he don't really love me but he thought he does" and etc. the most shocking thought among all is "maybe i'll leave him some day..maybe". actually i feel that what i ever needed is just so simple. in fact, i'm so confident that most of the guys will be able to make me feel so secure so easily. seriously, it's not that he ain't good enough..maybe he just don't know how to love somebody cuz' he don't really know what's love? i still remembered.. some time ago, i questioned him about love, he told me that he don't know what it is yet, and i was really hurt that time. but after on.. as we proceed more smoothly, i questioned him once again, "do you know now?", and he said "i know already". but, sometimes, he still gives me that feeling that he don't really know. or maybe.. i'm not his love in the first place. no matter what, i always believe that love is something that cannot be nurtured. it's original, natural, sophisticated and forever real. how could it be love when i don't even feel real 3/5 of the time? how can i remind myself that it's real.. when love is something that is so natural? sighs.
well, how did i become so moody once again? i feel i'm selfish and considerate at the same time, that's what i told qing. i'm selfish cuz' i feel that i wanted more time than anybody else. on the other hand, i feel i'm considerate cuz' i'm always thinking for his parents. i mean.. i shouldn't let them feel that i'm snatching their son away from them. but.. if in the first place, i feel the yearning that he really wanna see me, he would really know how to prioritise according to the importance wisely. i mean.. if the heart says that he wanna see me.. why didn't he even get anxious that he can have this "limited" time "finally" to meet me? i don't feel anxiety. always..he's gonna bring me to something of thee future.. like "how about next week?" "i'll plan again". why can't he act outta impulse for me .. once in a while? i thought it's always nice to be irrational at times..cuz' i'll getta see most real side of him. the most desperate moment that he is really missing me so crazily..loving me never-endingly. i never had this feeling of 'never-ending' before. it's always 'i know he loves me..yes..this moment".. key word: this moment. how short..and it flies away the next moment. sighs. we're seriously at danger zone if he don't realise. the happy times don't over-shadow the unhappy times. it's battling. RED zone. get it?
it's always nice if i can see more natural, more original, more desperate side of you..when it comes to matter regarding me. i really wish. if wishes are meant to be left as it is..where do all the fairytales come from?
sign off`